Monday, September 19, 2011

Why don't they tell us this stuff?

If you're a girl who's grown up in the Western world chances are you just assumed when you "grew up" you'd be able to have a baby. Of course you did, why wouldn't you?

After my second miscarriage a good friend said to me, "Why don't they tell us this stuff?"

Well, it's got a lot to do with the fact that we still don't talk about things like miscarriages without it feeling surrounded by a cloud of old-world taboo. I am an absolute advocate for positive thinking, but I also respect the merits of educating yourself.

When we're doing everything in our early twenties to try to not get pregnant, why don't they tell us that one in five women will experience at least one miscarriage?

Why don't they tell us that in the public hospital system they'll let you have three miscarriages before they investigate causes?

Why don't they tell us that even if it's before 12 weeks, it still feels like you've lost a little part of your soul?

And importantly, who actually is the "they"? It's us. It's your friends, your work colleagues and most definately it's your family. Scratch the surface and we've all been impacted by a miscarriage, either personally or through someone you know and love. We are the people who can be softening the blow by letting each other know that these things happen, and it's ok.

Miscarriage is not something that anyone wants to experience. Sadly the reality is that you, or your sister, or your friend will have at least one. As disheartening as that thought is, there are so many things we can do to make that journey easier on ourselves and those around us. It makes sense that we talk about it openly and that we educate the women in our lives so that we can support each other. Hopefully in doing that, we'll create a society that places more emphasis on understanding the causes of miscarriages. We'll invest more in figuring out why it happens and what we can do to avoid it in the future. We're humans, we're in the business of making babies - surely we should be trying to get it right!

I'm trying to learn as much as I can and in the process I'll put as much as I can up here. This is a great little summary of APS/Hughes Syndrome, which I now know has been a contributing factor to my miscarriages and if you've got it you have to stay away from the everyday contraceptive pill -

When my baby comes along, if they're a girl, I promise to talk to her about this stuff and I'll reassure her that no matter what happens, she'll be just fine. Actually, I correct myself. If it's a boy, I'll make sure that he knows about it too, so that he can be the caring, compassionate, feeling man that he needs to be to go through that process as well.

From now on, can we just promise to talk about this stuff?

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