Pity Party

It's the only party that should never be thrown. The Pity Party.

It's the point at which we tip from feeling our pain into becoming our pain. When we shift from honouring our heart to celebrating pain and hardship as if it's an accomplishment.

I was reminded of this when I consulted some Goddess Oracle cards recently. In asking what I needed to move forward, I drew out the Victim card telling me that it's time to let go of the Victim archetype and release the pattern by empowering myself. Too true goddesses, too true. 

You see, it's really easy to get stuck in the pain cycle because like anything in life, it comes with it's benefits. No, you say? Well I'll prove it.

How many times when something terrible happens to you, does someone come up to you and offer their condolences, show their love, do something to make you feel good? Plenty of times, right? Or your partner does something extra romantic to try and make you feel better which allows you to feel super special?

And so they should, because they understand that you've been through something tough and they want to show you that they care. It's when you become accustomed to that support or recognition for something you've experienced that things can get a bit murky. You can start to identify with the part of you that holds the negative experience and forget about all the other parts of you that are fine and that want to get on with life. 

Oh, and there's another pay off that can come with the pain of a negative experience that's a lot more addictive and wants to hang around full time. It's the effect from trauma that shunts you into a space where you gain a fresh perspective, you prioritise your life and you figure out what really matters to you. You know what I'm talking about. You'll hear yourself say things like "All that other crap just pales in comparison to this", or, "This has made me realise all the things/people/parts of me that I neglect in my life because I'm 'too busy'."

The tricky thing with this one is that it's not a short term reaction. This is born from that relinquishment of control that happens when we experience trauma, the lapse in concentration that allows the true voice of our soul to creep in and say what it needs to say. But because we experienced it as a part of our crisis we make the assumption that they are linked. With the victim comes the permission to slow down/be gentle/not meet the demands of others - whatever it may be for you.

So we become quite attached to the victim because they bring us many wonderful things - we have to experience the pain anyway, so we might as well get some pay off. Problem is the victim keeps us really stuck. It renders us into a state of passive powerlessness where we feel like we need the trauma in order to justify the new behaviours. 

Happily for us this is not the case! The victim can't actually give you permission for anything, only you can do that. So what's the difference of living with newly found perspective without the 'story'? Nothing! Just you and your beliefs. Take the learning and leave the victim at the bus stop. 

And next time you pick up the pen to start writing invites to the pity party of your pain remember that there are much better parties to have.